But as the opening credits remind you, the ending to Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn’s story is no big secret. So why spend your Sundays on a show that’s only marginally more historically accurate than "Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure"?
Because you don’t give a whit about historical accuracy. Because you love anachronistic carriage rides and high social intrigue. Because you love heaving, corseted bosoms and Jonathan Rhys Meyers’ abs drenched in royal sweat.
Take this quiz and discover just how little ye know about "The Tudors"’ flippant way with history.
1. There’s not a lot of difference between “gallant” and “dalliance.” Name the disease, social or otherwise, Henry VIII did not pick up from his amorous frolics:
a) syphilis
b) tertian fever
c) malaria
d) chicken pox
2. Word association! None of Henry’s wives ever pursued a career on the stage, but one twentieth century TV show has a direct association with Henry’s third wife. Name it:
a) "Dallas"
b) "Dynasty"
c) "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman"
d) "Diff’rent Strokes"
3. Which of the following were actually in use during the time period of "The Tudors"?
a) flintlock muskets
b) diaphragms
c) codpieces
d) chaps
4. "Jurassic Park" star Sam Neill plays Cardinal Wolsey, who offed himself in prison during last season’s finale. Of course, that’s not the way it really happened. How did Wolsey really die?
a) He was killed en route to London when his party was set upon by a band of highway robbers.
b) He suffered a heart attack en route to London when a wheel of his carriage snapped off.
c) He fell ill en route to London and died in his sleep in Leicester.
d) He was poisoned by Henry’s spies while staying overnight at Leicester, en route to London. Then a T-rex ate him.
5. Henry's sister Margaret (Gabrielle Anwar) is actually a composite of two of Henry VIII's sisters. Name Henry's other sister and what became of her.
a) Jane was Henry's older sister. She suffered from a foot deformity that kept her bed-ridden for her early years. She spent her whole adult life in a nunnery.
b) Mary was Henry's youngest sister. She was known as the most beautiful Princess in Europe. She married Charles Brandon and bore him three children.
c) Elizabeth was Henry's youngest sister and excelled in studies of history and literature. She never married and was burned at the stake ten years after Henry died.
d) Anne was Henry's half-sister. She was never fully accepted in English Court due to the fact that her father was a French nobleman. She died in her late twenties, after being attacked by a bear.
6. Thomas Tallis (Joe van Moyland) was indeed a court composer for Henry VIII. Which of the following musicians might Thomas have joined for a toke of after-court ale?
a) John Taverner
b) Johannes Brahms
c) Thomas Kyd
d) Henry Purcell
7. Remember the "Sweating Sickness" that scourged through England, nearly killing poor Anne Boleyn? Which of the following plagues never threatened the town during the reign of Henry VIII?
a) the bubonic plague
b) the sleeping sickness
c) influenza
d) cholera
8. Which twentieth century rock group hit the big time with "I'm Henery the Eighth, I Am"?
a) King Curtis
b) Sam Sham and the Pharaohs
c) The Kingsmen
d) Herman's Hermits
Answers: 1.d; 2.c; 3.c; 4.c; 5.b; 6.a; 7.b; 8.d
If you got zero right: Congratulations! You know nothing of historical context. You are Showtime’s ideal viewer!
If you got between one and four right: Statistically speaking, you should've gotten at least a couple right. Nice work, bainiac.
If you got between five and seven right: Well done! Do your Graduate School make fun of you for watching television?
If you got all eight right: Congratulations! You are an expert in the ways of the codpiece.
“The Tudors” premieres Sunday, March 30 at 9 p.m. ET/PT on Showtime.
